ONE LAST WEEKEND
It was Friday and Toni’s mind was wandering from her task. She had to finish a report for work but she couldn’t concentrate on it. She kept thinking about Nate. About how he sounded when she broke up with him over the phone. He seemed defeated and didn’t argue the point.
In a way it made her feel even more terrible about how things turned out. They had promised each other forever and in the end, Nate’s state of mind had become too much for her. She thought she was damaged but in Nate she saw someone who didn’t know how to be whole.
She closed her laptop and went into the kitchen to make a snack. Her brown eyes perused the cupboards and refrigerator for something to throw together. There was a knock at her door. Toni wasn’t expecting company. She went to the door and looked out the peep-hole. She was startled to see Nate smiling back at her.
She swung the door open and snapped at him, “What are you doing here?”.
“I… uh,” Nate expected her to be happy to see him.
“I… uh… I… uh… we broke up two days ago! You can’t tell me that you thought it would be okay to come here, a state away to visit me after we broke up?” she said angrily.
Nate looked down at his feet. “I had already bought the plane tickets. I couldn’t get them refunded. I figured, we could hang out one last time as friends.” He felt dreadful for being there but he’d made it this far, he’d see it through.
She looked at him. His green eyes expressed a sense of loss she had never seen anywhere before. “One last weekend, huh?” she asked.
“I know, it was a dumb idea,” he admitted, “I just had to see you.” He looked up as clouds formed above them. A light rain started. Toni couldn’t deny his resolve, she invited him in. “I know I’m interrupting, I’m not daft. I just… wanted to watch the debut of The Walking Dead with you.”
Toni looked at Nate as he set his backpack down. He seemed different. “I have to finish a report before we hang out,” she said to him. She tossed the remote to the TV to him and he caught it. He turned on the TV and quietly settled into watching some documentary about the universe. She tried to figure out what was different. His hair was the same dirty blond and he still looked thick so he hadn’t changed his hair color or lost weight. Toni blew it off, thinking that it was probably the fact that she hadn’t seen him in a month or so.
She opened her laptop and continued her report. It was easier this time around and she finished the report within a half an hour. Her roommates were gone for the weekend and she realized that if this were the last weekend she would see Nate, it was perfect timing.
“It doesn’t come on until tomorrow night,” Toni said.
“What?” Nate responded.
“The Walking Dead,” she clarified, “doesn’t air until tomorrow night.”
“Oh,” Nate said. “Perhaps we can play some games tonight?”
Toni smiled. She hadn’t played a game in a few months. Not since she’d started her new job had she even thought about playing a game. “What will it be?” she asked.
“I was thinking that one card game I watched you and your friends play,” Nate said.
Toni went and got the card game.
That night they laughed and giggled as they tried to best each other.
“Nathan, why did you love me?” she candidly asked.
“You mean ‘do’. I still do love you. I love you because you are you. Your smile. Your eyes. The way you walk. How your lips make shapes to pronounce words. The warmness of one of your hugs and how deeply you love. I love you because you seemed to accept me for me. I love you because you’re honest enough to tell me that you don’t.”
Toni hadn’t expected him to really answer. She fought the urge to hug him. He got up from the table and excused himself to the bathroom. She thought about how honest he always was. When he came out of the bathroom, they sat and talked about what they expected from tomorrow night’s debut.
Nate slowly gave into sleep’s sweet bosom and nodded off. Toni wanted to kiss his forehead but she couldn’t bring herself to how he’d react if he woke up to it. She covered him and went upstairs to her bed and succumbed to sleep.
Her dreams were full of weird images. One was of Nate. He came to her tanned and covered in sweat. “It was worth it,” he told her.
The next morning, Toni went down to see if it was all just a dream. She found Nate still on the couch. He was awake and staring at the blank TV. She turned it on and he looked over at her and smiled. “Sleep well?” he asked.
“Better than usual,” she said.
They ate breakfast and spent the early morning discussing Toni’s work. How it was her new passion. She was a bit shocked to see that it didn’t seem to bother Nate to hear that. He simply smiled and told her, “I’m happy for you. Most people go their entire lives without realizing their passion.”
After a couple of hours, they played more cards. Toni suspected that Nate had caught onto how to play so well that he’d been figured out how to continue losing. “Are you cheating?” she asked.
“Cheating?” he answered, a bit surprised at that accusation, “I’m losing here.”
“You’re losing too well,” she accused.
“I’m losing as gracefully as I can,” he said with a sideways smile.
“You’ll find someone else,” she said. She felt that he was trying to work his charm on her and though it was working, she didn’t want him to get his hopes up.
“I know I could,” he admitted. “It’s not about finding someone to fill a void, though. It’s about finding someone that makes you feel like you can be you. I know I’ve failed at that. I’m so judgemental and it really isn’t fair for anyone. I’ve made my peace with who I am and how unfair I am. There’s no need to have someone else make peace with that. Not even you.”
Nate suddenly changed the subject. “I have high hopes for tonight’s show.”
“Me too,” Toni said. “Have you been keeping up with the books?”
“No,” Nate sadly admitted. “I haven’t read a comic in months.”
They spent the day watching TV and DVDs until the show they had waited so patiently for came on. It was a good show. Just as good as they’d hoped. Perhaps it was the company that made it so good.
“I would have moved up here,” Nate said.
“I know,” Toni responded.
Nate let it end at that. “I leave tomorrow. I’m sorry I imposed on you.”
“Don’t be. I’ve had a good time.”
Nate smiled. That’s what was important. A lasting memory to look back on fondly on those days that are the hardest to get through was all he had hoped for.
Toni retired for the night and left Nate on the couch where he dosed off to sleep.
The following morning, Toni came down and saw that Nate was doing the last of repacking his backpack.
“You going to need a lift to the airport?” she asked.
“No, I have a ride already.”
“I had a good time,” she said, “but why didn’t you make an attempt at one final bedroom tryst?”
Nate had been secretly dreading this. He was warned that this was going to happen. The utter tragedy of what he wanted was why it was allowed to happen.
“It was never about a ‘final bedroom tryst’,” he started. “It was about having a memory that would hopefully overshadow the news you’re about to get. “
“What news?” she asked.
“I couldn’t be physical this weekend with you even if I wanted to,” Nate admitted.
“What news and why couldn’t you?” she asked.
“You asked me to live without you. It is like living without air or food or water. You brought so much to my life that to lose having it truly deflated me. You’re more than you give yourself credit for. You always will be.”
“Nathan, please tell me what you mean?” she begged.
“I asked for a favor, a chance to spend one final weekend with you so that we could forge one final memory that would gleam in all of history even though it was mundane. I’ve done something horrible and in doing so, I’ve damned myself and I don’t want that to be the lasting memory of me.”
“What do you mean?” she asked as she moved closer to him.
He stepped back.
“One last weekend,” Nate said plainly, “in its most absolute honest form. A sweet goodbye. “
Nate reached out for her cheek.
“Like most things in my life, this hasn’t gone the way I planned,” he said.
She leaned into his hand and recoiled at how cold it was.
“I can’t even say goodbye properly,” he said. He pulled his pack onto his shoulder and made his way to the door.
“Wait! What news?” she begged.
He opened the door and turned to look at her one last time then stepped through and closed the door behind him. She rushed the door and opened it but Nate wasn’t there. The street was empty and quiet.
She closed the door and sat on the floor with her back to it. She didn’t wholly understand. Her cell phone rang and she saw it was from Nate’s number. She answered it anxiously.
“Where did you go?” she asked.
“Toni?” a woman’s voice responded. Toni recognized the tone of Nate’s mother’s voice.
“Yes,” Toni answered, “where’s Nate?”
“Aw, honey, I’m sorry,” Nate’s mother’s voice broke into a quiver as she fought tears, “he’s killed himself. He… cut his wrists on Wednesday and no one found him until late Friday. I looked all over for your number to tell you. I’m sorry, hon.”
Toni dropped the phone as tears ran down her cheeks. She thought about how she thought he had looked different.
She thought about how reserved he’d acted. How he didn’t seem to want anything more than to see her. She thought about her dream where he told her “it was worth it.”
We go our entire lives not knowing truly how we impact those around us. We never really grasp what the relationships in our lives mean to us until they aren’t there. For some, those relationships are all they’ve got. For Nate, a world without it wasn’t worth living in.
